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Marriage counselors often talk about how couples repeat the same "dance steps" when they argue. It is common for couples who are divorcing to have developed some bad communication styles, and they may have engaged in these styles for so long that they are now habitual. A marriage counselor may try to teach couples new dance steps to save their marriage and handle conflict. Unfortunately, if the couple continues to be stuck in old patterns of conflict, these destructive patterns do not get any better when they divorce.

Destructive Divorce Dances

THE LIMBO

Characteristics

• Cut down criticisms
• Not fair fighting
• Pushing buttons

How Low Can You Go?

THE MACARENA

Characteristics

• Arguments never die out
• Always bringing up past mistakes
• REPEAT

Hey Macarena!!!

STOMP

Characteristics

• Stomp your spouse with harsh words
• Must win every argument
• Crush your opponent

Take that!

SALSA

Characteristics

• Exaggeration and dramatization
• Extreme emotional heat
• "You always..." "You never...."

Hot! Hot! Hot!

When couples are divorcing and find themselves engaging in a "destructive dance" they need to step back, breath and think about replacing their destructive dance steps with a more thoughtful and constructive process. A good mediator will help the couple recognize when they are engaging in old destructive habits and guide them to find new productive ways for communicating through the divorce process.